My wife has a BMI over 30 and I worry about her health, but she just thinks I’m criticizing her looks. What do I do?
The Irish playwright and debater George Bernhard Shaw had a feisty and rather foolish woman as his hostess at a dinner party. Her only positive quality was her beautiful exterior. After a while, the woman excitedly suggests that she and Shaw should have children together because the combination of her looks and his brain would generate absolutely perfect children. Shaw then answers sourly: “Yes, but think how bad it would be if it were the other way around.”
One might rightly ask what that has to do with your question at all. I see it as an important basis for how we humans interact. The humor in the answer illustrates how convention often gets in the way of the truth. I am not urging anyone to be impolite or downright rude, but genuine concern cannot be hindered by too much social veneer. Especially not in relation to the person you live with and whom you really care about.
Your partner is obviously aware of her excess weight as she worries that it makes her less attractive. Try to be curious about her. Ask questions. What makes her unsure of your love? If you’re worried about her mental health, investigate how she’s doing mentally. What are her fears? How does she see herself? Does she want to lose weight? If so: What makes it difficult for her to manage her food intake?
There is no patent solution, but lots of directly inappropriate strategies. One of them I definitely think you should avoid: don’t preface the problem you want to talk to her about with another George Bernhard Shaw quote.
“No love is truer than the love of food”
